This is a subject I rarely talk about.
In fact, some people who know me now a days don't even know of this certain life event.
I don't normally talk about losing our second child, Noah, to a miscarriage and I have never even documented one trace of it on this blog.
But today, four years after losing him, I feel like I am in a good place.
And for the sake of telling our families story... I wanted this to be documented so all my other babies could look back on this when they are older and read about the brother that they lost. .... the brother they will meet in heaven!
You see, it was exactly four years ago today, June 13th of 2008 that I miscarried our second baby.
I will take you back to the beginning....
Thursday morning June 12th, at 8:00 am Me, Loren, and Baby Greta (at the time) went to the doctor's office to have an ultra sound for Baby Appleberry. We were supposed to be checking on his or her progress and set an official due date. However... that did not go as planned.
I thought I was going to see the start of our brand new baby, and instead I learned that our baby had passed away.
The doctor came in to talk to me about my options. Options? I did not know I had any. At that point I felt as if all my choices had been made for me. That my say really had no say, and what I truly wanted was something I could not have.
But what she meant was that I needed to decided how we were going to take care of the babies remains. At that point the baby was too far along and too big for my body to naturally take care of. So from there we discussed and set a time for surgery.
Friday morning June 13th, at 7:00 am Loren and I went to Mercy hospital to have our baby surgically removed. - Something no one should ever have to go through. - I was put under for the surgery and woke up hours later in recovery. After I was awake and able to walk they sent me home to rest and recover.
You would think the horribleness ends there but it did not. From there we were asked what we wanted to do with Baby Appleberry's remains. If we chose not to take them after testing was done then they would have our baby cremated and it's ashes buried at a cemetery in St. Paul.
Something about that did not sit right with me.
If inevitably our baby was going to be buried in the ground then I, his or her mother, was going to be the one to do it. It was my right. I should know where our baby was laid to rest.
So, after testing came back four weeks later, our Baby, Baby Appleberry was buried at Morning Side Cemetery in Coon Rapids.
When testing came back we were shocked!
Not only were we able to find out the gender, that our baby was a boy... but we also were able to get some answers as to why I miscarried in the first place.
They said that right in the beginning two sperm fertilized the egg at the same time. In a normal pregnancy those two sperm would split off into two different eggs, causing twins. But in our case, the two sperm started to merge together causing a disease called Ischiopagus Tetrapus.
Definition: A rare type of conjoined twin that is connected at the lower half of the two bodies where the spines are connected.
It seemed as though our one baby had double the DNA, double the chromosomes, and the start of double body parts... but only one heart.
So if I would have carried full term the two would have become one. We may have been able to do a surgery to separate them or essentially remove the extra growth of limbs... but depending exactly where they were joined, he may have never lived through the surgery. So, at the time, we kept telling ourselves that this happened for a reason. That possibly it was God's way of taking care of our baby when He knew we could not.
After finding out the gender of our baby we decided it was only right to give him a name.
So we named him Noah. Noah Dale Appleberry.
- We wanted a name with meaning, not just a name we liked. It is different naming a baby you will get to hug and love and make memories with. So you can assume that it is different naming a baby you will never get to see. A personality you will never see develop and fill the name he was given. So like I said, we wanted it to mean something, and that's when we found the name Noah.
Noah: derived from the biblical name and character, Noah.
- God told Noah to build an ark and collect the animals two by two. He said that there was going to be a flood and His people were going to need protection. So against his will, Noah listened to God and built the ark. When the floods came Noah and his ark saved all the people just like God had planned. And after the great flood God sent a rainbow to Noah and all the land, symbolizing that a disaster like this would never happen again.
Sounded pretty fitting if you ask me! I like that God CHOSE Noah to do His works. And I love the part that says...
"a disaster like this would never happen again."
At the time, I believed that and I continually called and claimed that for me and my future babies.
Fast forward three months after that horrible period of our lives, I found out I was pregnant again!
I remember laying on the table at my 20 week ultrasound moments before we found out the gender of this new baby... and I remember praying... "Please Lord give my husband back the son that he had lost!"
And just then we were given the news that I was carrying a healthy baby BOY!
... a boy that we know today as Tucker Loren Appleberry!
Amazing how God came through and blessed us more then we ever saw fit!
And Praise the Lord that as I sit here today, I am carrying another healthy baby!
The 3rd or technically 4th babe to the Appleberry family.
I am still terribly sad that I never got to hold my little Noah or see his sweet face... but I know it is all in due time. I will meet him one day.
But until then I know he is happy, healthy, and being looked after by someone who has a better plan. Noah is in the presence of someone who is truly amazing!
I was never able to have a picture or even an ultrasound shot of Noah.
And to this day I did not take, nor do I want pictures of the day we buried Noah, or of his burial site at Morningside Cemetery.
But I have always kept a copy of a poem I put in the casket with Noah.
And it reads...
"I miss you now more than ever before, but I trust that God will open a door.
And show me how to go on without you, to give me some hope and comfort too.
For you were my life and I loved you so dear, and it breaks my heart to not have you near.
But life goes on and I will too, I just wish it wouldn't go on without you."
I can't wait to meet you in heaven Noah.
- All my love, Mommy.